Moribund Devotion
“A poetic presentation of unrequited love; with authentic references, and documented witness to the end of that fledgling love.”
In Parts
Preface: A Thought, Documented
Prologue: A Rambling Request, a letter to Michael about Louis
II: Damaged
III: When It’s Done
V: Falling Out
VI: The Resistance of the Universe
VII: Last Birthday
Epilogue: Depleted
Postface: Things Not Said
A Thought, Documented
Moribund Devotion, Preface
28 April 2023
“It shouldn’t be a surprise that as everything in my world is staring to quickly crumble away after an extended period of neglect of care that everything that I would try to have hope for on my birthday would go in every direction. Except for the direction that would give me any kind of positive experience. “
Things Not Said
Moribund Devotion, Postface
Every word you say means nothing just like your actions because they’re not consistent
You cant apologize if you don’t mean it especially when your actions say the opposite
To me, you have Nothing to stand on when everything you depend on for support is broken
A day will come when everything you have that keeps you afloat. There’s no longer there to let you up.
Looks fade away and the empathy from your trauma become nothing more than empty words.
So when you’re faking it in life, deteriorates how you survive the rest of life
When even your name is nothing more than a random sequence of the alphabet?
What will you do when you need a hand but you’ve already brushed all of them away
I ask you this now, because I do still care for you but soon that’s something I wouldn’t dare
And the sad part of it all is, at least for me, is that I will end up being the only one there.
I have every right to say, I told you so, but I would never allow anyone to feel how I feel
Even though right now I feel this way partially because of you as clueless as you are
A Rambling Request
A letter to Michael about Louis
Moribund Devotion, Prologue
I started writing this less than a minute after I last kissed you goodbye, but I had to get the thoughts down before they started to mumbo-jumbo with everything else in my mind
I really don’t understand what hold Louis has over you or even your relationship with him. to me every time you talk about him you generally seem to have a distain for him or at least about how he acts, yet anytime he comes around or pops up on phone calls you always drop everything in existence, and from personal experience you even seem to expect who you’re currently with to also alter and change their plans and expectations Because of him.
Now, as far as your relationship with him and what that is or was, I don’t ask because I let you tell me what you want to tell me because that’s your life; however, from what I’ve gathered from the people that have known both of you longer than I have seem to indicate even they don’t know. At one point John S. Said that you were Louis’s “boyfriend/not boyfriend?” This was in a text to Troy about Louis back in January about what Louis was doing in Columbia.
I probably would not have even approach the subject had he not impacted my life twice in 24 hours. before last night yeah, I wondered what he was to you and you were to him and that whole thing, but it was never important enough to me to question it, however last night You took his phone call during what was supposed to be an intimate moment between us and and although you did excuse yourself, you seemed to not be really contributing to the conversation… maybe because I was in the room (why I went to smoke). Today you did not take the first call, after which you cleverly tried to find me something to do away from you which didn’t work as I had nothing to do. After the second call I read the writing on the wall and offered to Excuse myself, which you accepted.
At the end of this I’m confused. Make it make sense…How should I feel? I personally don’t care for him but that’s based on the words of others, Troy, and mostly yours. I’ve only seen him in person once and said maybe 3 words to him and that was an oddly comical moment due to all the circumstances. But other than what’s happened in the last 24 hours his proximity to him through you has always resulted in a negative feeling for me. Yet, despite every negative thing you’ve said about him (and that’s nearly everything) you prioritize him to a level that is beyond everyone but your blood family.
So I guess after all that emotional word vomit I just need your help making this make sense to me so I can figure out how I feel. Should I just continue to carry the repugnant indifference I have for him? Anger at you for allowing him to be a recurring unwelcomed interruption? Mad at myself for having feelings about you that his recurrences give me feelings that are anything but neutral.
I’m now sitting in my drive way and have been for awhile so I’ll wrap this up. Help me and I’ll talk/see you soon.
