waiting any longer

It's sad, the more you realize that things aren't going to continue the way they have because I refuse to continue a journey that doesnt take us anywhere the more you hammer in with the sorts of behaviors that I'm rebuking. 

That isn't going make me want to stay my dear...

It also isn't going to make me hate you,which is the only other reason I could logically fathom you'd double down on toxic behavior.   It just makes me pity you.   I know your potential for greatness in all things and I see it misused for the chaos you truly love to be enveloped in.  

The emotional decay into preschool processing is sad.   Threats come.  Of legal ramifications; I'll do the time but everything is so very well documented on both sides with so many witness that have seen both sides.    Of suicide; I can't feel guilty for doing everything in my power and being told it's not enough by the same mouth who has told me every thing about me isn't enough for them.  

There's love in your heart for me.  I'll give you that.  I still don't believe it's comparable to the love I have for you.   More the love you have for electricity in the middle of summer and you have access to air conditioning. Love because it is part of something else.   A piece in the chain.  Not the whole.   And unfortunately instead of doing simple things that would classify as putting in the work and would prove me wrong.  You choose to die on the hill you're on.   Except no one's running up that hill, no one cares to be near it. 

In 12 hours and 23 minutes it will be 42 years since the moment I was ripped from my mother's womb in such a rush because if they waited any longer another contraction would kill me.  I don't want to go into 42 worried if I stay in place without changing it will metaphorically or actually kill me or you.  

one is the loneliest

What do you do when the one person you want to be with can't stop spinning in toxic circles after you've snapped out of it.  

I went looking for a friend.  

Any friend.   I start with the friend that that isn't really my friend, more yours. But she is one that I'm allowed access to sometimes. Radio silence on my direct request for social time.   It's understandable I guess.  She's got her own toxic relationship to deal with 

Next we go to the one that's more my friend.   You don't like my friends but this one is the least of a threat in ways that threaten you I guess.  She responds but isn't offering a couch to chat on.  I even make a joke:  "I feel like reruns of a bad TV show that was a spinoff that no one wanted of a good TV show. I'm like the personification of the Golden Palace".  It merits an LOL and the death of the conversation. 

Moving on to another of my friends.   This one is the one you'd tolerate the least but isn't threatening.  Nope, as usual not in town.  Ironically at the beach, a place I've been suggesting for us to go for weeks.  

Anybody else wouldn't be able to offer me what I need.  An ear, friendship.   Anybody else would just be the catalyst for you to ignite a fight. Anybody else wouldn't want my company; if anything they might lust over a body part I have or covent something I could share.  

Everyone tells you before you get suicidal again to come to them and they will be there.   But you must have to come screaming "IM KILLING MYSELF RIGHT NOW" to trigger that hospitality; and I'm sorry, even when I was actually doing the act that would almost kill me, I was too ashamed to call it exactly what it was. 

So I find myself alone, when I walk in the world and as I exist in this space.  Anything else is denied in various ways and I can't cope. 

spiral

It's always a spiral that swirls back in on its self with us. 

My favorite example from today, and there were several.   

You disregarded boundaries due to a lack of trust that you've carried from before the beginning. 

When called out on this you claimed some ownership but quickly professed being a victim. 

This turned into suicidal taunting and alerts of illness. 

Caring but not knowing what else to do I order to call medical professionals to come to you; however the catch comes into perspective that you are in Brookhaven and doing so would be a flagrant admission to the violation of the no contact order that hasn't been followed since day one, which carries huge ramifications for me. 

I tell you all this with the idea to call it in under someone else's name. 

You then turn your nose up at the suggestion and tell me point blank if I do that you will just show them our texts proving I've been in contempt of the order.    

Once that's established we twist back to the suicidal proclamations.

What can I do?  Be tortured by that abuse?   Have the threat of more jail time thrown in my face if I try to help?   I'm damned no matter which way I look.  

I took a stand, no stand would be the right one but I took one.   Refusal to have that constantly being put over my head and not engaging in the emotional abuse of the suicidal idealations.  Hypocritical because of what I've done in the past.  Yes, probably.   But the spiral never stops if you allow yourself to keep spinning. 

You're spinning around. Je ne sais pas pourquoi?

Harbinger of Chaos

 The Harbinger of Chaos

All I’ve ever wanted was to feel true authentic love.  With him the amount of our lives that were parallel and intersecting made it impossible for me not to open my heart up to him, even though I had told myself that I would never open myself up to anyone like that ever again; but I did for him.  

We were a beautiful disaster, chaotic, energy, thunder and lightning. In that hospitable toxicity I craved him, only him. This love only his, but that was something he kept secure, inside a maze traps to runoff or me off or ruin me for trying.  

In my way I kept trying, but his labyrinth  of emotional anguish hiding his heart started to not change me the more I tried to get to it, but unleash parts of me that I either had locked away or denied access to because because they were the worse parts of me from my father:  violence, thoughtlessness, and delusional paranoia.  

After a few months every waking action came with an accusation untrue, a provocation of blind rage; unbridled emotion thats sole instinct is self preservation of self.   Not only life and health and reputation and integrity as daddy said that was all i would ever have at the end of the day.  

It’s to a point now where loving him is just poisoning me as any emotion that grows from such a queer place is by nature going to have illogically abnormal reactions.  

I do wish he would see that I cant do it all alone, if he even really wants my love. I can’t give him what he needs when he’s setting me up to fail.  We are in such a downward spiral of failure that it would make sense for us both to walk away.   The roots of who we are have grown too deep into the earth to be changed, even with all the might I can muster.   I feel no effort from him to save or help us, unless I’ve worked myself down to a point of terminating myself from existence, then out of fear or guilt will he throw me a line, but it’s not for us, it’s his own self preservation.  

But maybe that’s all my delusion as if I keep on with my self reflection I see that I am a toxic virus that spreads through the lives of all I come in contact with.  I enable, I allow for chaos to take hold; not because I enjoy it but I am the distraction it uses to move in and destroy.  This has to be why I can never feel the love I desire.   I am the harbinger of chaos, all I ever know is how things rot in my wake, never admitting I’m bringing the torture I feel is being brought to me. 

I’m worthless, I’m an enabler, I’m toxic, I’m destructive, I am unloveable and undesirable, and I am a siren for misery.  I am a waste of your time, energy, and space.    So when I do sever my existence from this place, know I’m doing everyone a favor, and maybe I can find peace in the nothingness of death.  

Moribund Devotion

Moribund Devotion

“A poetic presentation of unrequited love; with authentic references, and documented witness to the end of that fledgling love.”

In Parts

Preface:  A Thought, Documented

Prologue:  A Rambling Request, a letter to Michael about Louis

I:   Childish Heart

II:  Damaged

III:  When It’s Done

IV:  Crazy and Addicted

V:   Falling Out

VI:  The Resistance of the Universe

VII:  Last Birthday

Epilogue:   Depleted

Postface:  Things Not Said

A Thought, Documented

 A Thought, Documented

Moribund Devotion, Preface

28 April 2023

“It shouldn’t be a surprise that as everything in my world is staring to quickly crumble away after an extended period of neglect of care that everything that I would try to have hope for on my birthday would go in every direction.   Except for the direction that would give me any kind of positive experience. “

Things Not Said

 Things Not Said

Moribund Devotion, Postface

Every word you say means nothing just like your actions because they’re not consistent 

You cant apologize if you don’t mean it especially when your actions say the opposite 

To me, you have Nothing to stand on when everything you depend on for support is broken

A day will come when everything you have that keeps you afloat. There’s no longer there to let you up.

Looks fade away and the empathy from your trauma become nothing more than empty words. 

So when you’re faking it in life, deteriorates how you survive the rest of life

When even your name is nothing more than a random sequence of the alphabet?

What will you do when you need a hand but you’ve already brushed all of them away

I ask you this now, because I do still care for you but soon that’s something I wouldn’t dare 

And the sad part of it all is, at least for me, is that I will end up being the only one there. 

I have every right to say, I told you so, but I would never allow anyone to feel how I feel

Even though right now I feel this way partially because of you as clueless as you are