waiting any longer

It's sad, the more you realize that things aren't going to continue the way they have because I refuse to continue a journey that doesnt take us anywhere the more you hammer in with the sorts of behaviors that I'm rebuking. 

That isn't going make me want to stay my dear...

It also isn't going to make me hate you,which is the only other reason I could logically fathom you'd double down on toxic behavior.   It just makes me pity you.   I know your potential for greatness in all things and I see it misused for the chaos you truly love to be enveloped in.  

The emotional decay into preschool processing is sad.   Threats come.  Of legal ramifications; I'll do the time but everything is so very well documented on both sides with so many witness that have seen both sides.    Of suicide; I can't feel guilty for doing everything in my power and being told it's not enough by the same mouth who has told me every thing about me isn't enough for them.  

There's love in your heart for me.  I'll give you that.  I still don't believe it's comparable to the love I have for you.   More the love you have for electricity in the middle of summer and you have access to air conditioning. Love because it is part of something else.   A piece in the chain.  Not the whole.   And unfortunately instead of doing simple things that would classify as putting in the work and would prove me wrong.  You choose to die on the hill you're on.   Except no one's running up that hill, no one cares to be near it. 

In 12 hours and 23 minutes it will be 42 years since the moment I was ripped from my mother's womb in such a rush because if they waited any longer another contraction would kill me.  I don't want to go into 42 worried if I stay in place without changing it will metaphorically or actually kill me or you.  

one is the loneliest

What do you do when the one person you want to be with can't stop spinning in toxic circles after you've snapped out of it.  

I went looking for a friend.  

Any friend.   I start with the friend that that isn't really my friend, more yours. But she is one that I'm allowed access to sometimes. Radio silence on my direct request for social time.   It's understandable I guess.  She's got her own toxic relationship to deal with 

Next we go to the one that's more my friend.   You don't like my friends but this one is the least of a threat in ways that threaten you I guess.  She responds but isn't offering a couch to chat on.  I even make a joke:  "I feel like reruns of a bad TV show that was a spinoff that no one wanted of a good TV show. I'm like the personification of the Golden Palace".  It merits an LOL and the death of the conversation. 

Moving on to another of my friends.   This one is the one you'd tolerate the least but isn't threatening.  Nope, as usual not in town.  Ironically at the beach, a place I've been suggesting for us to go for weeks.  

Anybody else wouldn't be able to offer me what I need.  An ear, friendship.   Anybody else would just be the catalyst for you to ignite a fight. Anybody else wouldn't want my company; if anything they might lust over a body part I have or covent something I could share.  

Everyone tells you before you get suicidal again to come to them and they will be there.   But you must have to come screaming "IM KILLING MYSELF RIGHT NOW" to trigger that hospitality; and I'm sorry, even when I was actually doing the act that would almost kill me, I was too ashamed to call it exactly what it was. 

So I find myself alone, when I walk in the world and as I exist in this space.  Anything else is denied in various ways and I can't cope. 

spiral

It's always a spiral that swirls back in on its self with us. 

My favorite example from today, and there were several.   

You disregarded boundaries due to a lack of trust that you've carried from before the beginning. 

When called out on this you claimed some ownership but quickly professed being a victim. 

This turned into suicidal taunting and alerts of illness. 

Caring but not knowing what else to do I order to call medical professionals to come to you; however the catch comes into perspective that you are in Brookhaven and doing so would be a flagrant admission to the violation of the no contact order that hasn't been followed since day one, which carries huge ramifications for me. 

I tell you all this with the idea to call it in under someone else's name. 

You then turn your nose up at the suggestion and tell me point blank if I do that you will just show them our texts proving I've been in contempt of the order.    

Once that's established we twist back to the suicidal proclamations.

What can I do?  Be tortured by that abuse?   Have the threat of more jail time thrown in my face if I try to help?   I'm damned no matter which way I look.  

I took a stand, no stand would be the right one but I took one.   Refusal to have that constantly being put over my head and not engaging in the emotional abuse of the suicidal idealations.  Hypocritical because of what I've done in the past.  Yes, probably.   But the spiral never stops if you allow yourself to keep spinning. 

You're spinning around. Je ne sais pas pourquoi?