Harbinger of Chaos

 The Harbinger of Chaos

All I’ve ever wanted was to feel true authentic love.  With him the amount of our lives that were parallel and intersecting made it impossible for me not to open my heart up to him, even though I had told myself that I would never open myself up to anyone like that ever again; but I did for him.  

We were a beautiful disaster, chaotic, energy, thunder and lightning. In that hospitable toxicity I craved him, only him. This love only his, but that was something he kept secure, inside a maze traps to runoff or me off or ruin me for trying.  

In my way I kept trying, but his labyrinth  of emotional anguish hiding his heart started to not change me the more I tried to get to it, but unleash parts of me that I either had locked away or denied access to because because they were the worse parts of me from my father:  violence, thoughtlessness, and delusional paranoia.  

After a few months every waking action came with an accusation untrue, a provocation of blind rage; unbridled emotion thats sole instinct is self preservation of self.   Not only life and health and reputation and integrity as daddy said that was all i would ever have at the end of the day.  

It’s to a point now where loving him is just poisoning me as any emotion that grows from such a queer place is by nature going to have illogically abnormal reactions.  

I do wish he would see that I cant do it all alone, if he even really wants my love. I can’t give him what he needs when he’s setting me up to fail.  We are in such a downward spiral of failure that it would make sense for us both to walk away.   The roots of who we are have grown too deep into the earth to be changed, even with all the might I can muster.   I feel no effort from him to save or help us, unless I’ve worked myself down to a point of terminating myself from existence, then out of fear or guilt will he throw me a line, but it’s not for us, it’s his own self preservation.  

But maybe that’s all my delusion as if I keep on with my self reflection I see that I am a toxic virus that spreads through the lives of all I come in contact with.  I enable, I allow for chaos to take hold; not because I enjoy it but I am the distraction it uses to move in and destroy.  This has to be why I can never feel the love I desire.   I am the harbinger of chaos, all I ever know is how things rot in my wake, never admitting I’m bringing the torture I feel is being brought to me. 

I’m worthless, I’m an enabler, I’m toxic, I’m destructive, I am unloveable and undesirable, and I am a siren for misery.  I am a waste of your time, energy, and space.    So when I do sever my existence from this place, know I’m doing everyone a favor, and maybe I can find peace in the nothingness of death.