one is the loneliest

What do you do when the one person you want to be with can't stop spinning in toxic circles after you've snapped out of it.  

I went looking for a friend.  

Any friend.   I start with the friend that that isn't really my friend, more yours. But she is one that I'm allowed access to sometimes. Radio silence on my direct request for social time.   It's understandable I guess.  She's got her own toxic relationship to deal with 

Next we go to the one that's more my friend.   You don't like my friends but this one is the least of a threat in ways that threaten you I guess.  She responds but isn't offering a couch to chat on.  I even make a joke:  "I feel like reruns of a bad TV show that was a spinoff that no one wanted of a good TV show. I'm like the personification of the Golden Palace".  It merits an LOL and the death of the conversation. 

Moving on to another of my friends.   This one is the one you'd tolerate the least but isn't threatening.  Nope, as usual not in town.  Ironically at the beach, a place I've been suggesting for us to go for weeks.  

Anybody else wouldn't be able to offer me what I need.  An ear, friendship.   Anybody else would just be the catalyst for you to ignite a fight. Anybody else wouldn't want my company; if anything they might lust over a body part I have or covent something I could share.  

Everyone tells you before you get suicidal again to come to them and they will be there.   But you must have to come screaming "IM KILLING MYSELF RIGHT NOW" to trigger that hospitality; and I'm sorry, even when I was actually doing the act that would almost kill me, I was too ashamed to call it exactly what it was. 

So I find myself alone, when I walk in the world and as I exist in this space.  Anything else is denied in various ways and I can't cope.